Deep Thoughts

Home brewers have a mantra: 'Relax, don't worry, have a home brew.' These sage words were originally spoken by the patron saint of American home brewing, Charlie Papazian, over 30 years ago. They remind us of the importance of letting go, of being easy on ourselves and our endeavors, of enjoying the journey.

Relax-don't-worry-have-a-home-brew dude, Charlie Papazian

But I say f**k that.


For me every brew day is still like going into battle. For several days before I check and recheck my plans, cross-reference the data, consult my advisers, inventory my ordinance, assess the situation from every angle. The night before a brew day I may indeed have a home brew, but relaxing and not worrying are far from my mind. And on brew day, I and my troops launch into the fray. The best laid plans of mice and men are quickly forgotten as 'situations' occur, requiring immediate attention, last minute adjustments, and admittedly, plain guesswork and jury-rigging. It can get ugly, and fast. Yes, it's anything but relax and don't worry in my brewery.


But that's because I undertook an undertaking that I, by rights, never should have undertook. (Apologies to my high school English teacher, Mrs. Massey, for that sentence.)


To wit, I suck at math; and brewing is aaaall about math. I suck at physics; even to say I 'suck' misses the point: I've never taken a physics class in my life and have only the most primitive understanding of what it even is. (Fire hot! Water--coooool... that's me.) And brewing is aaaall about physics. Chemistry? Come on! See above. Biology?--OK now I know that there are critters that we can't see, and that those suckers can wreak havoc if we don't pay the proper respects, but beyond that... I say some 'hail Mary's' and bow to the Buddha a few times, and if that doesn't work to keep their voodoo off, well... It's anybody's guess. But real brewers know this stuff inside and out, and not only that, they make it WORK for them! To me that puts them right up there with the Wizard of Oz and stuff. Or, or, David Bohm, or, David Copperfield. They're magicians.


Not only that, you have to be a D.I.Y. master, or McGuyver. Now, I just learned to fix a flat tire on my bicycle (I'm 40), and it only took me two hours.


On the other hand, I don't think I've ever worked this hard on anything, or been inspired to, in my life.


It's precisely because brewing has just enough of the stuff I am good at: art, history, social sciences, bullsh*tting and the like, to inspire me to TRY at the stuff I suck at. And that my friends is the beauty part, the amazing, and wonderful part. The very kernel of the reason that I am completely into home brewing. Without them, I would have lived to my dying day not knowing what 'gas laws' are, or how (or even why) a siphon works, or, or...


I will continue to make major f**k-ups, ruining batch after batch. But as in the Great American War for Independence, it does not matter how many battles are won or lost, but who eventually wins the hearts and minds of the people. This has nothing to do with why it rocks to be a home brewer, but it sounds great, and it fits with the date, July 4th. Or 5th here in Japan.